Completion

As the semester draws toward a close the winds of change are ever rising.

With only 8 days of classes and Sundance opening in another 10 things are changing. I have completed all of my assignments, minus the ochem one as we have not been given it yet. Ergo my stress is minimal. I have picked up work hours this week and next to compensate for Christmas shopping, reducing financial stresses that I seem to find. I ended a friendship based on nothing with someone that could never think of others more than himself. And it was wonderful, because I no longer feel weighed down by his overwhelming inadequacy. I have plans already for Saturday night and am thinking of going to Salt Lake during the day to this garden. Weekend plans are so unlike me. Yes the winds are blowing. And for once I am riding them instead of resisting. I think this semester has been oh so healthy for me. Love.

When Future Aspirations Become Your Present

One day you wake up and realize those aspirations are no longer amidst the horizon, they are sitting on your porch. Now what?

So here I am. It has been so long, so, so long. And now my life is consumed with thoughts of medical school. I spend evenings pouring over my MSAR, looking at every medical school and wondering if I should apply to it, and what my chances of an interview are. I read, and re-read all of the MCAT information that you have to known prior to even registering for it. I contemplate which MCAT prep course to take, and when I will have time to study. I look at all of the MCAT dates for this spring and try and sort out which one I will take. April 23 is the goal. But it is so consuming.

I have dreamed about being a doctor for ages. I want to so badly. I can scarcely begin to write out how much I want this. And it almost feels like its suddenly arrived. The planning and calendaring and everything used to seem like just jotting down notes for the future. And now the future is here, its my present. And I would not want it any other way.

The rush I get just looking at medical school information is thrilling. The thought of having an interview. Or thinking of having my personal statement done in such a way that it compels someone to want to meet me. It is all exhilarating.

So in short, as I stay up those few minutes later each night or procrastinate something just a little longer, it tends to be because I cant take my focus of medical schools. I want to be a doctor. That's all there is to it. And I am finally at a point where my aspirations are waiting to come true. So its a make it or break it time. oh and I am so ready to do everything in my power to make it.

I love sitting here feeling like I have aspired to something that makes me happy. That even though everything about getting ready to apply for medical school scares me so much I want to cry sometimes, this is everything I wanted it to be. It makes me happy.

Re-Realizations

"Actually, it is only when we rise above the trivial options and ask ourselves in the depths, 'What do I want tot be?' that we emerge from the bondage of a flitting and faceless mode of life." -Truman G. Madsen

The last few days have been long. And full of what I call re-realizations. It's when something happens and I have to stop and re-evalute, when things change and I realize reality once again. The sharp sting of reality is lessened as I come to terms with my role in it.

It began with the re-realization of my apathy. I ran into you at work this morning, and I was not stoked, in fact I felt nothing. A few short weeks ago you made my days, now you are just another face. And yesterday when we were lifting, well I was less than impressed even with your acknowledgement of my hair cut and being sick last week. It was just like, really? You had your change. And then Sunday. I didnt feel anything. I guess they call it the past for a reason. So I suppose as I recognized my apathy towards the three of you I stopped. Reality. For once there wasnt anyone. There was not the butterflies, the anticipation, the excitement. There was nothing. And perhaps thats what I need right now. I re-realized that I need to focus on some things in my life and you were all likely distractions at this point. See you around.

Then as I tried to choose courses reality set in again. I have a semester and a half left after this. Then I am done. Life changes. What happens in the next 7 months and how it turns out could have a very deep and real impact on my future. And that scares me. It really does. But it's time to grow and move on. Finish school. Graduate. Find a future for myself. So as overwhelmingly stressed as it has been, I am needing this reality. I have to find myself fast and what I want before I graduate because time is not waiting or even slowing down for me.

And possibly the biggest re-realizations came as I looked at my wrist. I had wrote CHANGE. All week I have been really focusing on becoming a better person. And it's so hard. I would not say I am a bad person. I just sometimes shy away from things I could do. I could do better. And I know it, and like everyone, I have shortcomings. And I re-realized that they will remain shortcomings as long as I do nothing about them. So its time to change.

Only I have the ability to choose who I am. Who do I want to be? Do I even know? What sets me apart from others? How am I changing society? As these questions torment my thoughts I feel drained but at least I can see that it is all for the best. I am trying to find myself and ensure that when I do I will be happy with who I see.

"We will become much more aware of and alive to the many possibilities for doing good that are present in life's daily situations. Even the moments that seem humdrum are full of possibilities. Nothing is routine." - Neil A. Maxwell

Change

All Change Comes With Hard Work and Dedication.

Lately a lot has changed. Perhaps it is just within me. Regardless, it has changed. I applied for graduation this week. Its like 7 more months of school, and it's hard to imagine. School has been my sole focus for so long. This is one change I am unbelievably ready, and stoked for.
I have also been trying to be a better person. Improve myself. Which has meant more focus on school and religion and the people that matter. And I realized how hard it is to change. Habits are hard to break. Routine, whether it's productive or not, becomes habit and when you choose to change that it is never easy. I got sick and lost my fitness routine, and now it's chilly out so I have less desire to run outside. I got used to being quiet in class and it has been hard learning to speak up. All those little things I wished I was better at, well I am trying to actually be better at.

The biggest change I feel has been so inward. It has been on how I view things. Like first off, I cut my hair. It's to my chin. So much shorter than it has ever been. And I love it. But it was a matter of doing something I wanted to and doing it because there was no harm in it. It just took courage on my part. Something I tend to lack.

Within I have realize that there are so many people that really matter to me.But then there are some that are like addictions. You dont want to let them go, even though you know they dont make you a better person. I have been trying to step away from you. Cross my fingers. And then there are people so opposite. You have become a best friend, for life. Your family is like my family, I love going to your house, and I could wrestle with your siblings any, and everyday. Oh and another, you are the best to live with. Our chats on the bed or our arriving onesies.. I love it all. You make my day so often.

And then there those that are so far. I miss home. And the four of you. 1. You are in Toronto. At least we have letters. I love you dear. 2. I was not the best friend this summer hey, Sorry. I dont know what happened. I am glad we fb so much, I miss you. 3. Saturdays just never live up to what I expect anymore. Your fault. I have unreasonable Saturday expectations. You are the best. Please move here. 4. How you end up creeping into my blog so much, well nobody will know. But even though we have not talked that much lately, well you still inspire me. And I dont really know how. But you do. You just change things.

Life never stops changing. And I am glad for that. I really am. It keeps things exciting.

An Emotional Gong Show that Left me Fulfilled

This week was a gong show. Not in reality, mostly inside. It was like a handful of emotional drama that was so random but fulfilling. It resulted in a recommitted friendship, and just that, a friendship. We never had that before. so yay. Next it was a simple reminder of the feelings that existed all along. The ones I tried to ignore while I was gone. However, I realize that's not how it goes. Sure I moved, but that changes nothing. Oh and then you and I played. Lovely. I think we bonded dear. No, I know we did. I am stoked for our next outing. And lastly. I think you and I have connected. We started opening up. Oddly a lot. But its nice. I think we get each other. This shall be good for both of us.
So basically. Sometimes when things strain me emotionally, whether its in a positive or negative way, its good. You wanting to try being friends was a huge stress til we laid it out. Me realizing it goes both way was enlightening but emotional. But looking at the last week.. well I wouldn't change it. I am so content. I really am learning to love both myself and how things are going in my life. love.

Reason, Season or Lifetime?

Once you told me that everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I immediately crossed my fingers, secretly hoping you were a lifetime, although I knew you were definitely at least a reason.

Just in thinking about it I sometimes can see what people were and why.

As I tend to keep my blog ambiguous I do not feel like that should be changed, ergo this shall be general, yet inspiring to someone I hope.

I can see those people that I needed at certain stages, someone that knew what I was going through or someone to listen to me. Looking back at freshman and sophmore year there were more of you than anyone could imagine. Those were reasons.

Seasons tend to be those that I lived with for a few months or such, perhaps co-workers for a time. People I associate with but never really connect with. We all know those situations. Perhaps they are not even ideal, but regardless, I learned something. And anytime you recieve a lasting learning experience from someone you can recognize their purpose in that stage of your life.

Lifetime. Those are the best friends. The people that you keep in touch with no matter what. The ones that I see everytime I go home. The ones you think about when you least expect it. The ones that you are constantly reminded up but dont generally admit. Plus my family. And those people that create such an impact that you cant ever forget or let go of. Those are my favourite. So as I sit here with my organic chemistry beckoning I just smile. I mean I basically have the best people in for the long haul. I am just saying.

Regardless. Thank you. Thank you to those who fulfilled their reason when I needed someone more than anyone could know. And for those that in our season together helped me grow. And here is a pre-thanks, to those who are sticking around for a lifetime. As JD would say on Scrubs, I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster... haha I just feel like I am on a rollercoaster and its nice to know its full or people that are changing my life.

Fame is just achieving your dreams in the spotlight.

I remember my first big show. Taste of Chaos. The band members seemed so famous, not like real people. Then time passed. I moved to university and started going to shows in a completely different scene. It was different thats all. The aquired taste of small shows became the scene I most often enjoyed. Occassionally I would talk to a band member in passing or as I picked up their newest cd. Then it all changed. We talked. It evolved. A voicemail. Another call. Breakfast. The park. And for once I realized you were just another person trying to achieve your dreams. You just happened to be doing it in front of people. But you were just like me in so many ways. I forgot how much this meant until the other day.
I saw you. And as we took those moments to reconnect, aim for tradition (regardless of it falling through). I remembered that just because you were signed and basically famous it didnt change the fact that you were human. It was just like chatting with an old friend. I love that you are achieving your dreams and that I can watch that and we can catch up when your tours allow.

The point of it all is that its principal and perspective. When you stop and just look at things for what they really are it can change everything. The moment I realized you were just another chill guy I looked at you like a friend and not like someone that I could never connect with. The principal was that you remembered it all. You saw me and it was not like I had been gone and you had been touring it was like hey whats up.

So basically, congrats on achieving your dreams, you know I am proud of you and supporting you. And ultimately when that happens for me I know you will be stoked for me, just like a friend, not like a famous ordeal.